• Charles E.Cheadle

How to Attend the Oscars

The Oscar, an award coveted by all actors, actresses, directors, producers, musicians and more, which if won, highlights their supreme talent in their industry. If one is to win one of these golden sculptures, they enter a hall of fame and die a performing arts great unless, of course, they accrue two charges of sexual assault and are imprisoned for 23 years… cough cough, Harvey Weinstein. Don’t worry though, you still won’t have your Oscar revoked!

However, it is important to make sure you prepare thoroughly for the night to avoid embarrassing yourself, perhaps by slipping as you are going to collect your award like Jennifer Lawrence, wearing a risky outfit that could educe a wardrobe malfunction, or assaulting the host of the event…

Before jetting off in your private jet to the event from your chalet in the alps, it is important to remember to devise a speech, on the off chance you might win. You are feeling confident in your chances by the fact you are a white nominee, and deserving of any success following your extremely difficult and laborious work – after all, you did learn all those lines off by heart, were backed by a budget of over £100 million and paid more than the minimum wage in any nation per second. Reflecting on this tumultuous ‘journey’ you endured during the conception of your movie, you decided that you have assimilated enough life experience to lecture the public on key issues of which you have an elementary understanding. Whilst on your 12-hour flight across half of the globe at a speed of 1126.52 KM per hour and consuming fuel at a rate of 3.5 litres per 10 KM – the equivalent of curb stomping mother nature - you look out to the bright blue sky. In ruminating on the works of Shelley, Tennyson and Frost, which as an actor you will have been reading each night whilst enjoying a candle lit bubble bath to unwind, you decide your speech will be on nature and the climate… ‘how about climate change you think to yourself.’

Great! So now you have an important topic to preach to the public without following the standards you set yourself. That doesn’t matter! You have more important things going on in your life, like your ‘body image’ or your ‘mental health’ – just like everyone else in the population. Although, you mustn’t forget that being an actor and your ability to remember a couple of lines makes you far superior.

Next, you need to think about what you are going to wear. It is necessary to dress in something superfluous and obnoxious as to avoid being upstaged on your - and only your - special day, so as not to bruise your delicate megalomania.

You arrive at the event in a diesel limousine spewing particulates into the air – choke slamming mother nature. As you exit the vehicle you begin to walk to the press, excited to hear their compliments about your movie. In order to present yourself as being engaged with current affairs and recognising the wider issues surrounding the climate, you link most of your answers back to this. You completely forget that the company Apple, who you produced your movie with, has most of its factories located in China, notorious for pollution. Your blinding ignorance is not enough to excuse you from your brazen superciliousness and you start to build up a bad rapport with the public. Unaware of this due to your disconnect with reality, you venture inside with your head held high, proud of delivering such a stellar performance for the press.

The night ambles on. It is the penultimate award before your category and it’s presented by a comedian. Knowing you are a well-known public figure who must be thick skinned because of the cut-throat industry you are in, whether that be from constant rejection from roles or from criticism in the press, you know that some petty comedian won’t arouse a reaction from you, at least verbally as you are an actor and professionally trained to hold your tongue until it is your line. Lest we mention physically, as to respond in this manner would be irrational, disproportionate and, above all, illegal. The comedian, however, makes a joke about a sensitive topic surrounding you. You are angry that a joke in such poor taste has been made to you of all people. ‘How dare they besmirch me. Do they know who they are talking to?’, you think to yourself arrogantly, whilst standing up and strutting up the stairs onto the stage. You walk towards the comedian with swagger in your gait, your arms moving back and forth like Conor McGregor's on his fight night entrance. The walk to the comedian is in slow motion. Everyone in the theatre is on the edge of their seat; such a powerful walk would warrant a powerful punch at the end, if that were to be your intention. However, when you are close enough to the comedian, so much so that you can feel his breath, you realise you are just an actor. All the punches in your action films were fake; you don’t know what to do in a real situation. So, you slap him. A pathetic slap. You copy the same walk back to your seat. You forget your training and mouth off to the comedian, who is stunned speechless – just like the rest of the room.

Whoops, you’ve made a slip up! Everything was going somewhat accordingly; you didn’t slip up going on stage or have a wardrobe malfunction. You did, however, manage to assault the host… You couldn’t deflate your pumped-up ego and somebody ruining your ‘special day’, and as a result, you behaved like a spoilt child who didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas, throwing a temper tantrum.

Nevermind, you have somehow managed to survive being kicked out and charged with a section 39 to be present for your nomination. You win. Eager to recover from your mishap, you decide the only necessary course of action is to open the water works in order not to further tarnish your esteemed reputation with the public. Tears flow down your face as you try to reconcile your overblown ego with humility to win back public favour, readily accepting the argument that you are only human and humans make mistakes, as if the general public go around assaulting people when insulted. Your disconnect between your bubble as a celebrity and the laypersons life is clear and the rift between you and the public, of which your career depends on, is enhanced.

Still brainwashed by your ego and unwilling to let go of your special day, you decide to attend the famous Oscar after parties in order to celebrate all your hard work when mitigating your assault. You have a great night with your ‘clout’ thirsty faction who fear to tell you the truth out of fear of losing favour with you.

Nonetheless, you wake up with a splitting headache like it was you who was slapped in the face the night before. Moving onto your side and reaching for your phone, you read the stream of notifications blowing up your inbox. An insufferable smile descends across your face. You slowly open and close your eyes. You remember all is not lost because what is worse than bad press, is not being in the press at all. As Oscar Wilde once said: ‘there is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about’. You have enjoyed a successful night at the Oscars as a delusional, conceited celebrity that has lost all connection with their humble origins.